The Gentleman's Code of Apocalyptic Conduct

Welcome sir or madame to the first edition of "The Gentleman's Guide." In this short venture, we shall discuss the proper behaviors upon encountering the end of days, specifically when brought about by the deceased, rising from the grave and eating everything in sight. As you know, it is the Gentleman's utmost priority to maintain his honor until death and after. So join me, won't you?

The Gentleman's Code of Apocalyptic Conduct

1. Upon encountering an expired enemy, a gentleman challenges the zombie to a duel by throwing down his gauntlet or a similar type of clothing. Should the zombie accept, one must stand back to back and walk three paces, turn, and shoot. Should there be a miss, the gentlemen allows the zombie to eat him whole. Should the zombie not accept the duel, the gentleman gives the deceased a ten pace head start before he may pursue with only a knife.

2. When a Gentlemen puts to death a deceased peer, he should do so out of the sight of ladies and servants. Zombie killing is an awfully messy task, nothing short of a massacre I'm afraid. This is not appropriate for the faint of heart. Anyway, white gloves should not be stained with blood! Therefore, the killing of a dead creature is the gentleman's job.

3. A Gentlemen keeps his clothing clean of blood, tissue, and other bodily stains. Even in the end of days, a stain is not acceptable. It encourages trust. It shows that your humanity has not left you. Keep unclean, blood-stained hands away from your person at all times.

4. Upon encountering a Gentleman-Zombie, the living gentlemen should respect the distance of the deceased. Any action initiated by the dead zombie should be met with a quick dispatch and full funeral, adhering to the religious beliefs of the lost. (Though dead, a Gentleman-Zombie should adhere to the Gentleman-Zombie Code, written below.)

5. Be quick when dealing with others. The gentleman makes known his true intentions and protects those he is responsible for. Ne'er shall a gentleman negotiate and when one must be made, he must sacrifice himself for the ladies.*

The Gentleman-Zombie Code of Undead Conduct

Death is no excuse for the loss of tact and respect for the world as we know it in life. Should you, a gentleman, find yourself revived from the surly bonds of death, there are still rules that should be upheld.

1. The Undead Gentleman shall remain respectful towards all women and servants, including resurrected beings. At no time should an Undead Gentleman approach any woman or servant with hostility or intent to harm.

2. The Undead Gentleman shall adhere to the procedures of disagreements with another gentleman. Should a living gentleman offer a duel, the Undead shall accept and carry out the duel. In the event the Undead Gentleman wins, his dinner shall be, again, out the sight of ladies and servants.

3. The Undead Gentleman shall never feast where his dinner was found. He shall make the appropriate table arrangements (the rules for which will come soon) and send out invitations for a dinner party no less than three days in advance. There should never be more mouths than food and the Undead Gentleman shall allow his guests to eat first before taking part himself. Entertainment in the form of singing, dancing, comedy, or light drama shall be provided after the dinner with a light dessert, perhaps of a sweeter meat. The day following the dinner, the Undead Gentleman should send out thank-you notes to his guests. For example:

Dear (Name of Fellow Undead-Gentleman and Wife),

I do truly thank you from the bottom of my exposed and rotting heart. Your presence made the dinner a splendid affair and your grunts made the entire room smile with cheer. I do hope I should have you over to my run-down home once more. Keep yourselves safe and may your teeth be ever yellow, and your meat forever sweet.

Sincerely Your Host,

(Name of Undead-Gentleman)

4. When attending the banquet of another zombie, the Undead-Gentleman arrives precisely on time with no more mouths than his and his good lady-wife's. Usual dinner manners should be observed along with the offer of adjourning to the entertainment. Engagement in the entertainment is permissable provided the Gentleman-Zombie's humor is clean and sanitized for the ears of ladies and servants. The guest should by no means stay longer than is expected and should always follow up with a response to the thank-you note of the host. Needless to say, the one who invited you should be on the guest list for the next banquet you hold.

5. The Undead-Gentlemen meets his end with honor. In the event of a lost duel, there should be no retaliation, nor should there be any excess bleeding for clean up. Allow, even in death, a short dialogue with the less-mannered. Should the Undead-Gentleman meet with the living, he should always wear appropriate garb (what he wore for the dinner party will suffice) and conduct himself with excellent posture and poise.

I hope the mannerless frivolity of zombies will lessen somewhat after these tips have reached their eyes. I do hope I have enlightened some of the dafter minds out there to the culture of true gentlemen.

-Josiah Duff