My Dream Rap Battle

Epic Rap Battle

Since I cannot ever see this in real life, I'd like to write a brief rap battle of my two favorite comedy stars, John Hodgman and Paul F. Tompkins.

Hit it!

John
Hello there, Paul, It's me, your friend John
You know, Mac, PC, but those days are long gone.
Don't let these glasses fool you, in fact I'd rather you be pleased
while I'm laying the vastness of the areas of my expertise.

Keep your bow tie tight and fluffy and make sure your jacket's pressed
'Cause it'll only take me seconds to wrinkle that school-boy dress
I've got nerd-dom on my side, just try to get a hit
Because my awesome's not affected by your silly little skits.

Paul
Um, they're called sketches, and that's just for my show
My one of several hundred, but not that you would know.
You've got that one with the gavel, it bores me to death
The women win so many times that's it practically the marriage ref

Sure you wrote a book and and did an ad or two
But have you ever worked a job where it wasn't just handed to you?
I worked hard to get here, that isn't hard to see
I performed my stand up while working at Hats in the Belfry!

John
Oh, I'm so sorry for your walk in the muck and the mire
But honestly, that was more information that I require
Oh, Judge John Hodgman, my popular podcast?
I won't bring up the wound that is the Pod. F. Tompkast.

And shows? Please. In one you talk with pup's (puppets)
But what do you expect from a show called "No, You Shut Up!"
When this is over, you'll wish you'd never been born
I'll make you shut your pie hole with Bailiff Jesse Thorne!

Paul
So you've got a funny man, but I've got something better.
I never leave my house without my pocket Eban Schletter.
He's got the Jazzy Rascal bumpin, playin' the tunes for your loss
But you'll lose all of your gumption when I break out some CAKE BOSS

You're just a weird old man, just like your Wobegon idol
Maybe you can write a book without such a stupid long title
From NY to LA, I'll make sure it's brief.
I've got to get back to Largo to do Beyond Belief

John
This is your last chance to surrender and I think it'd be wise,  Paul,
the time is coming and to put it simply, That is All.
I'm a deranged millionaire, with the power to smash.
There's no turning back once you behold my mustache.

I need not defend your Garrison Keillor target
It'd be against my principle, the refusal to buzz market.
Moxie, you're dead to me, but Paul, I'll kick your butt.
It won't take long with some Ragnarok mayonnaise and some UTZ.

Paul
Don't flatter yourself John, your 'stache is overrated
My stache is legit, it's what nature has created.
Ragnarok? End Times? Come off it, John
Before you know it, all your ethos will be gone.

I'm Paul F. Tompkins, go on and ring the bells!
I'm burning up the airwaves acting as H.G. Wells.
Southie's my best friend and I'm terrified of Sharks
But I think I won this battle, why not ask my friend Sparks!

WHO WON?!!!