My Dream Rap Battle

Epic Rap Battle

Since I cannot ever see this in real life, I'd like to write a brief rap battle of my two favorite comedy stars, John Hodgman and Paul F. Tompkins.

Hit it!

John
Hello there, Paul, It's me, your friend John
You know, Mac, PC, but those days are long gone.
Don't let these glasses fool you, in fact I'd rather you be pleased
while I'm laying the vastness of the areas of my expertise.

Keep your bow tie tight and fluffy and make sure your jacket's pressed
'Cause it'll only take me seconds to wrinkle that school-boy dress
I've got nerd-dom on my side, just try to get a hit
Because my awesome's not affected by your silly little skits.

Paul
Um, they're called sketches, and that's just for my show
My one of several hundred, but not that you would know.
You've got that one with the gavel, it bores me to death
The women win so many times that's it practically the marriage ref

Sure you wrote a book and and did an ad or two
But have you ever worked a job where it wasn't just handed to you?
I worked hard to get here, that isn't hard to see
I performed my stand up while working at Hats in the Belfry!

John
Oh, I'm so sorry for your walk in the muck and the mire
But honestly, that was more information that I require
Oh, Judge John Hodgman, my popular podcast?
I won't bring up the wound that is the Pod. F. Tompkast.

And shows? Please. In one you talk with pup's (puppets)
But what do you expect from a show called "No, You Shut Up!"
When this is over, you'll wish you'd never been born
I'll make you shut your pie hole with Bailiff Jesse Thorne!

Paul
So you've got a funny man, but I've got something better.
I never leave my house without my pocket Eban Schletter.
He's got the Jazzy Rascal bumpin, playin' the tunes for your loss
But you'll lose all of your gumption when I break out some CAKE BOSS

You're just a weird old man, just like your Wobegon idol
Maybe you can write a book without such a stupid long title
From NY to LA, I'll make sure it's brief.
I've got to get back to Largo to do Beyond Belief

John
This is your last chance to surrender and I think it'd be wise,  Paul,
the time is coming and to put it simply, That is All.
I'm a deranged millionaire, with the power to smash.
There's no turning back once you behold my mustache.

I need not defend your Garrison Keillor target
It'd be against my principle, the refusal to buzz market.
Moxie, you're dead to me, but Paul, I'll kick your butt.
It won't take long with some Ragnarok mayonnaise and some UTZ.

Paul
Don't flatter yourself John, your 'stache is overrated
My stache is legit, it's what nature has created.
Ragnarok? End Times? Come off it, John
Before you know it, all your ethos will be gone.

I'm Paul F. Tompkins, go on and ring the bells!
I'm burning up the airwaves acting as H.G. Wells.
Southie's my best friend and I'm terrified of Sharks
But I think I won this battle, why not ask my friend Sparks!

WHO WON?!!!

The Gentleman's Code of Apocalyptic Conduct

Welcome sir or madame to the first edition of "The Gentleman's Guide." In this short venture, we shall discuss the proper behaviors upon encountering the end of days, specifically when brought about by the deceased, rising from the grave and eating everything in sight. As you know, it is the Gentleman's utmost priority to maintain his honor until death and after. So join me, won't you?

The Gentleman's Code of Apocalyptic Conduct

1. Upon encountering an expired enemy, a gentleman challenges the zombie to a duel by throwing down his gauntlet or a similar type of clothing. Should the zombie accept, one must stand back to back and walk three paces, turn, and shoot. Should there be a miss, the gentlemen allows the zombie to eat him whole. Should the zombie not accept the duel, the gentleman gives the deceased a ten pace head start before he may pursue with only a knife.

2. When a Gentlemen puts to death a deceased peer, he should do so out of the sight of ladies and servants. Zombie killing is an awfully messy task, nothing short of a massacre I'm afraid. This is not appropriate for the faint of heart. Anyway, white gloves should not be stained with blood! Therefore, the killing of a dead creature is the gentleman's job.

3. A Gentlemen keeps his clothing clean of blood, tissue, and other bodily stains. Even in the end of days, a stain is not acceptable. It encourages trust. It shows that your humanity has not left you. Keep unclean, blood-stained hands away from your person at all times.

4. Upon encountering a Gentleman-Zombie, the living gentlemen should respect the distance of the deceased. Any action initiated by the dead zombie should be met with a quick dispatch and full funeral, adhering to the religious beliefs of the lost. (Though dead, a Gentleman-Zombie should adhere to the Gentleman-Zombie Code, written below.)

5. Be quick when dealing with others. The gentleman makes known his true intentions and protects those he is responsible for. Ne'er shall a gentleman negotiate and when one must be made, he must sacrifice himself for the ladies.*

The Gentleman-Zombie Code of Undead Conduct

Death is no excuse for the loss of tact and respect for the world as we know it in life. Should you, a gentleman, find yourself revived from the surly bonds of death, there are still rules that should be upheld.

1. The Undead Gentleman shall remain respectful towards all women and servants, including resurrected beings. At no time should an Undead Gentleman approach any woman or servant with hostility or intent to harm.

2. The Undead Gentleman shall adhere to the procedures of disagreements with another gentleman. Should a living gentleman offer a duel, the Undead shall accept and carry out the duel. In the event the Undead Gentleman wins, his dinner shall be, again, out the sight of ladies and servants.

3. The Undead Gentleman shall never feast where his dinner was found. He shall make the appropriate table arrangements (the rules for which will come soon) and send out invitations for a dinner party no less than three days in advance. There should never be more mouths than food and the Undead Gentleman shall allow his guests to eat first before taking part himself. Entertainment in the form of singing, dancing, comedy, or light drama shall be provided after the dinner with a light dessert, perhaps of a sweeter meat. The day following the dinner, the Undead Gentleman should send out thank-you notes to his guests. For example:

Dear (Name of Fellow Undead-Gentleman and Wife),

I do truly thank you from the bottom of my exposed and rotting heart. Your presence made the dinner a splendid affair and your grunts made the entire room smile with cheer. I do hope I should have you over to my run-down home once more. Keep yourselves safe and may your teeth be ever yellow, and your meat forever sweet.

Sincerely Your Host,

(Name of Undead-Gentleman)

4. When attending the banquet of another zombie, the Undead-Gentleman arrives precisely on time with no more mouths than his and his good lady-wife's. Usual dinner manners should be observed along with the offer of adjourning to the entertainment. Engagement in the entertainment is permissable provided the Gentleman-Zombie's humor is clean and sanitized for the ears of ladies and servants. The guest should by no means stay longer than is expected and should always follow up with a response to the thank-you note of the host. Needless to say, the one who invited you should be on the guest list for the next banquet you hold.

5. The Undead-Gentlemen meets his end with honor. In the event of a lost duel, there should be no retaliation, nor should there be any excess bleeding for clean up. Allow, even in death, a short dialogue with the less-mannered. Should the Undead-Gentleman meet with the living, he should always wear appropriate garb (what he wore for the dinner party will suffice) and conduct himself with excellent posture and poise.

I hope the mannerless frivolity of zombies will lessen somewhat after these tips have reached their eyes. I do hope I have enlightened some of the dafter minds out there to the culture of true gentlemen.

-Josiah Duff

Life by Dice Episode 2: Advantages, Disadvantages, Skills Weird Personal Insight

I'm so sorry for not posting on Tuesday! I'm trying to keep a Tuesday thing going and I just never got to it. No excuses! So today is the special Friday edition of the Cyber Mammoth.

So, in episode 1, we went over my basic attributes (Scroll down a bit if you haven't seen it)
and came out with these:

Will and Per are supposed to be the same as IQ.

So, we have our basic attributes but there are still three sections left. But don't worry! It's not very difficult. I'll try to keep it basic.

The final sections are advantages, disadvantages and skills. When actually playing the game, these add effects and powers that can help and hinder your character. Everybody has these in real life so I thought I should do the same. So first, advantages.

Advantages 
...in the game world are mental, physical, and emotional aspects of your character that would give you an edge over other characters that would otherwise have similar abilities. They each cost a certain amount of points.

These are the advantages I took. I consulted some friends about which of them were a good fit and they suggested these. Now, advantages have special, in game uses that won't apply in the real world because, well, you naturally have them. Most of them give you the ability to do something so I chose which things I already can do. I have Common Sense, I'm pretty charismatic, I am double-jointed in my arms, and people say I can really tell when someone's upset or down.
Mimicry and Voice come from my singing. I am pretty good at mimicking famous singer if I do say so myself. In total, my advantages cost me 85 pts. It's weird to have the things your good at quantified into a number.

Disadvantages
...give you points back when you take them but usually subtract from your attributes when trying to perform certain tasks or they require you to have added, detrimental effects. My time spent looking and applying my disadvantages was a humbling experience. When you search for what you are bad at, it's a real challenge to look at things objectively and accept it. So looking through the disadvantages, I had to own up to the negative parts of my personality. I skipped over the whole Quirks section because I couldn't even. So, these are what I took.
These speak for themselves.

 Skills
...are the final pieces of the puzzle that is my character. Let me explain a little about this. Skills are tasks that you may need to accomplish in game, or in my case, life. The most obvious of these is COMBAT! But believe it or not, murder takes skill. I would need to take the "Melee Weapon" skill if I was going to kill someone with the lead pipe in billiards room. BUT! That comes at a cost.

The harder the skill is, the more points it costs. You see "Artist" up there? It says IQ/Hard which means you to roll against IQ to see if you're successful. The "Hard" designator means that it costs more to gain skill in. The "Default" for Artist is IQ-6 which means someone without the Artist skill with an IQ of 13 would have to roll a 7 or under. 13-6=7.

So if I want to roll against my full IQ, I'd have to pay points equal to Attribute-0 on this chart. It would cost 4 points for me to roll against my full skill since Artist is a "Hard" skill.

Anyway, all of that crap out of the way, here are my skills. Most of them are IQ based and relate to skills I actually have in real life. Let's take a look.


BEHOLD my skills. Only four of them are not IQ based so you can see how my IQ attribute is directly related to my skills. So now, whenever I try to do any of these things, I have a better chance of succeeding! Anyway!

NEXT TIME!

I'm going to actually begin the Life by Dice challenge! Hopefully nothing terrible happens. Okay! Well I'll see you then!

Life by Dice Episode 1: Truth, Honor, Basic Lift

Have you ever played and RPG? Not like Skyrim or Pokemon. I mean tabletop! Dungeons and
Dragons, GURPS, and so on. I just got done a whole GURPS campaign. Let me tell you, what fun it was to control the destinies of my friends by the roll of some dice. But I wanted more of a real thrill. I wanted something where more was at stake than a meaningless character.

So, friend, I thought of a great idea. What if life was like GURPS and D&D? What if my real world decisions and actions were governed by dots on a cube? Well, I decided to find out. So, I chose to make my own character sheet of myself. Each one of my decisions are based on a number on three dice.

You can do this too! This first episode calculates basic attributes so you can follow along. It's not super hard!

Now, I chose to do the GURPS format because that is what I'm most familiar with. For those of you new to the whole RPG format, a character is created using points. The player creates a character using these points to buy their strength (what they can lift), dexterity (basically athleticism), IQ (Intelligence), and HT (Health as in your healthiness, not health points.)

Then, there's HP (Health Points), Will (Will to get out of bed and what not), Per (Perception) and FP (Fatigue Points).

Finally, there's Advantages, Disadvantages, and Skills. These three modify the character by giving them personality quirks and traits as well as skills like lock picking and brawling.

But all this is hard to calculate on an actual human being but I did my best. Today, we'll be discussing my basic attributes. Strengh-FP.

First, there's Strength. In the 'GURPS Basic Set,' Strength governs lifting, throwing and so on. But the easiest way to calculate the ST value is to figure out your basic lift. Basic lift is what you can lift with one hand in one second. It is calculated by this formula where S= Strength.

S^2 /5

So if my strength were 10, it would be 10x10/5 which comes out to 20lbs. So I went to the gym.

Josiah, trying to figure out how to work a
specific workout machine to no avail.

This is me, at a machine doing athletic things. But since I realize this wasn't the best way to do it, I just walked over to where the weights were and started at 5 lbs and went up. I measured my strength and, incidentally, my strength is, indeed, 10. The GURPS book says that most average humans have a strength of ten and I suppose that worked out pretty well for me.

Now, strength governs many aspects of your character. Specifically, basic move, basic lift, and basic damage. With a 10 strength, my basic move is 5 and my basic lift is, as said before, 20 lbs.


Now, I don't plan on getting in any fights or kerfuffles but in the rare event that I am thrust into one to save some sort of maiden, I will, indeed, calculate my basic damage. Basic damage is just a table that tells you how much damage you do based on strength. It's dangerous to calculate alone, take this.

Welcome, friends, to the damage table. It's fairly easy to use. My strength is 10, so my basic damage with a thrust attack is 1d-2. So I'd roll a die and if I get a 6 then I subtract 2 and 4 will be the amount of damage I inflict. My swing will be just 1d. Pretty straight forward. If you're wondering what Thrust and Swing mean, it's also pretty self-explanatory. Thrust is an attack like a punch, kick, bite, or use of a thrusting weapon like a spear. Swing damage is an attack with a weapon like and axe or a sword where your arm is used as a lever of a sort.

Moving on! Don't worry, Strength governs way more than Dexterity does, however, for me, it was significantly harder to quantify into a number. The only way I could think was to play a sport that requires agility, coordination, and quick reflexes. And, as it happens, I'm taking a Badminton class right now. So I played doubles badminton against my professor a few times to get a general sense of my movement and quickness. I should say that this isn't your backyard badminton, it's competitive. So here we are playing!

Notice my graceful form as I leap through the air and strike with pinpoint accuracy. Long story short, my two friends and I lost against our professor and his partner. I did, however, play on my professor's team and I must say, I surprised myself.

Anywho, with these limitations in mind and after a but or analysis of the game, I concluded my dexterity averaged out to 10. Once again, that's the average for a human so that's convenient.

Dexterity comes into play with basic speed and basic move. Basic speed is calculated by adding HT (Health which defaults to 10) to DX and then divide by four. 10+10=20/4= 5. Basic move is equal to basic speed sans fractions but since my speed is a whole number, my move is also 5. So by this, I move 5 yards per second which is accurate. I've got long legs.

So, the final thing we need to measure (since everything else is based on ST, DX, IQ, and HT) is my IQ. This was the hardest to measure. Intelligence is subjective so I went with the best justifiable way of measuring that I could think.

I went to a popular quiz app and played twenty general knowledge quizzes. I told myself that my score would equal the amount of quizzes I win. Why does this make sense? Well there are 7 questions in each quiz and they are timed. The faster you answer correctly, the more points you get. I thought the speed factor would also help because of it's processing and response testing.

No, I do not have pictures of me sitting with my phone. But I won 13 quizzes. 10 is average intelligence and 13-14 is exceptional and apparent to others. After asking a few people, my ego got a boost when they agreed with that score. 15 is freakin' amazing and guides career choices. I'm studying art so...no.

So my character sheet looks like this:

So that's what we've got so far. I'll clear up a few things.HP is Hit Points which is equal to ST. Will and Perception weren't editable for some reason but they equal IQ so they'd be 13. FP is also equal to ST. I don't forsee any need for parry or block. In a real life situation, I won't have the time to roll dice if I do, indeed, have to parry or block. Reaction modifiers just mean that people react to me better than they would anyone else and that's not necessarily true. DR is Damage Resistance. I don't wear armor so...

So that's about it for the first episode of Life by Dice! My next post will be about advantages, disadvantages and skills. So that'll be fun and humbling. 

Anyway, remember, when life gives you lemons, make life take its lemons back! You don't want it's damn lemons!

I love you, 

Josiah and Cyber Mammoth out. 

Cyber Review: Pokemon Omega Ruby and Alpha Sapphire

Hey all,  Josiah here, (I say that because I'm having other people write on here too.)

When I was growing up, I played Pokemon quite fervently. I remember (and have video tape of) the time when I got the Pikachu themed game-boy and Yellow Version. It was a glorious birthday. You can see me in my Pokemon pajamas with my older brother looking over my shoulder. I had stuffed animals, I had the cards, the figures. But the first time I actually knew what I was doing in a Pokemon game was when I got Pokemon Ruby Version.

This review (and all subsequent reviews) will be based on four categories;

Story
Gameplay
Accessibility
Replayability

There is a fifth for this game since it is a remake. It will be called Comparability.

I will give each of these categories a score out of 10. Let's get started!

Oh, how I remember playing Pokemon Ruby and Sapphire. I chose Torchic as my starter and finished the Elite Four with a Blaziken, Electrode, Linoone, Groudon, Aggron, and a Cacturne. How precious. But when they announced the revamping of the Hoenn region, I knew I had to get it and test it out, seeing if nostalgia would kick in.

Omega Ruby and Alpha Sapphire has several changes from the original Ruby and Sapphire. The graphics are obviously better, similar  to Pokemon X and Y. But also, it brought in Mega Evolutions. For those of you who aren't familiar, Mega Evolutions are a temporary Fourth Stage to a Pokemon's evolution chain but only for a single battle. For example:

Torchic > Combuskin > Blaziken > Mega Blaziken

In order for a Pokemon to Mega Evolve, they must be holding a Mega Stone and the player must have the Mega Bracelet. During battle, before you may attack, you can choose to Mega Evolve your Pokemon but you can only do this once per battle. (So I can't Mega Evolve Blaziken and Swampert in the same battle.)

Several Pokemon, including the Kanto Starters and now the Hoenn Starters, have Mega Evolutions. Upon playing through the game, I decided to get as many Mega Evolution Pokemon as I saw fit. So, my Elite Four Hall of Fame was this: Blaziken, Sharpedo, Shiftry (No Mega Evolution), Gardevoir, Groudon (Primal Reversion, which is basically Mega Evolution for Groudon and Kyogre etc.) and Bannette. All, except for Shiftry, Mega Evolve. 

Alright, first category, Story.

If you've played Pokemon Ruby and Sapphire Version, the story in Omega Ruby and Alpha Sapphire wouldn't be significantly different. It follows the path of a boy/girl named (JigDuff or other name) as they travel throughout the Hoenn region. The game begins in Littleroot Town after the player's family has moved in to their new home. From there, the player battles gyms (like all other Pokemon games) and in the process, attempts to put a stop to the dastardly plans of either Team Aqua (Alpha Sapphire) and Team Magma (Omega Ruby) who attempt to reawaken an ancient Pokemon to cover the world in water/land respectively except this time with the help of Primal Reversion.

This story follows the basic mechanic. Become Pokemon League Champion and stop the Team, be it Rocket, Magma, Aqua, Galactic, Plasma, or Flare. I found the story to be nostalgic, yet still adding some elements like an early encounter and capture of Latios/Latias, and the greater involvement of the Beldum-bearing Steven Stone. Overall, I thought the story was a little laboured though with a good bit of unnatural dialogue. I think Nintendo tries to serve two demographic masters, new younger players, and older veterans. I think they normally do pretty well though it can't be perfect.

So you thought the story thing was making this go a bad way. Well, actually, the story was much more interesting post-Elite Four. This is known as the Delta Episode.

You see, after the credits, there's a short conversation between the player's mother and father who talk about not being able to attend the Meteor Shower in Mossdeep City so they give the player the ticket. There's also a short cut-scene in Mossdeep Space Center where scientists freak the crap out because the meteor may hit the Hoenn region, similar to the one that hit a LONG time ago and created Sootopolis city. This cutscene references some of the events from X and Y about the ultimate weapon any what not. After this, you meet a girl named Zinnia. She seems to be stealing people's Key Stones, or stones used by the trainer to initiate Mega Evolution. But why?

Well, Steven wants to stop the meteorite by using a warp machine that has something to do with a Link Cable and some technology that was a clever story addition. We finally know how all the Team bases throughout all the games were able to use warp panels. So with the warp tech and this Link Cable, the meteor will be sent far away.

But Zinnia, who reveals herself to be a descendant of the indigenous Daconid people in Hoenn, breaks the Link Cable and says that the meteor could strike another world with people who don't have that technology. She knows that the player isn't necessarily taking sides therefore she trusts the player but only a little. So she disappears.

Sky Pillar mural depicting Rayquaza intervening in the battle
between Groudon and Kyogre. 

Long story short, (too late, right?) Wallace, the Sootopolis Gym Leader, opens the way to Sky Pillar where Rayquaza rested in Ruby and Sapphire. In Sky Pillar, Zinnia tells you the legend (drawn on the Sky Pillar wall) that we hear in Ruby and Sapphire except with a bit more detail. Basically, Groudon and Kyogre kept fighting and Rayquaza split 'em up every time. Now, we need Rayquaza to stop this meteor. 

So Zinnia tries to harness Rayquaza but can't do it. Why? Because his "mega stone" is none other than the meteorite you received from Maxie all the way back at Mt. Pyre. So you catch Rayquaza, there's a ballin' cutscene of his Mega Evolving and destroying the meteor which contains Deoxys. You fight and catch Deoxys and you're a hero. Yay!

For Story, Pokemon Omega Ruby and Alpha Sapphire get a: 8/10.

Gameplay

The gameplay of Pokemon has not changed entirely since Blue and Red version. From Ruby and Sapphire to Omega and Alpha, the battle mechanic, save for Mega Evolutions, has not changed too drastically. Turn-based combat, leveling, four attacks, and abilities return for another iteration of Pokemon. But other than that, the player can now move freely instead of strictly in the four cardinal directions, progress saving is much quicker and the bag menu is significantly easier with a menu of your party Pokemon on the left. This is especially helpful when giving items and applying revives or potions.  

But the primary mechanic added that really changed how Pokemon works is a little item called the Eon Flute. This item calls Latios/Latias to you wherever you are, even if they aren't in your party and will fly you around a 3D modeling of the Hoenn region. This allows you to keep a flying Pokemon with you without wasting a party Pokemon slot. While soaring, the player can fly to any visited city, encounter flying Pokemon and, when certain conditions are met, mirage locations giving a unique species of Pokemon to make a debut. Just the other day, I found a mirage island with a Darmanitan on it. There are also inter-dimensional rifts that engage in Pokemon battles with legendary Pokemon from other games. 

Overall, the Gameplay of Omega and Alpha gets: 8/10.

Accessibility

Veteran players of all ages can pick up OR and AS and feel comfortable as soon as they skip the opening sequence. But, how would new players fair, knowing nothing about Pokemon in the past except for that their favorite and only known Pokemon is Pikachu or one of the Kanto starters. They also may have seen other humans playing the Pokemon games/card game and said across the room, "I choose you, Pikachu!"

Well, actually, I think OR and AS wouldn't be super difficult to pick up but there is a learning curve. Having not played any other Pokemon game, this one doesn't do as well at explaining everything. For example, there was no way a new player could've known type differences unless they read the dialogue text STUDIOUSLY and actually took the time to go to the Pokemon Trainer's school in Rustboro.

So, the Accessibility of Omega and Alpha get: 5/10.

Replayability

OR and AS is a Pokemon game and as such is granted certain unalienable rights among these are quality post-story gameplay, Pokemon Contests, and the pursuit of a full PokeDex. Now, I don't think OR and AS have a terribly high scoring replayability but we're not focusing on that this time. Instead, we focus on the post-story game which consists of finding COUNTLESS legendaries, catching themall and developing a rockin' team with whom to crush your enemies. Pokemon has never really had a replayability factor but a post-game factor. You don't play Pokemon until you beat the Elite Four. You play until the next one comes out and trade the best of your team to the new game.

So for replayability, OR and AS get: N/A

But for Post Game, OR and AS get: 9/10

Comparability

There's one final category to consider here. How does the new game compare with the old? After all, Gen 3 Pokemon are my favorite. OR and AS were largely similar with updated graphics. Same story, similar gameplay, and Mega Evolutions. Pokemon Contests are still largely the same. So do the new games fall short (Low score) or match well (High score.)

For comparability, OR and AS get: 11/10.

I think it did the original games perfect justice and even improved upon them a little but. I guess that's what a remake is for. Well that's the review for Pokemon Omega ruby and Alpha Sapphire.

Overall, the score is  41/50. Also, if you're going to buy it, it's cheaper on Amazon. So that's interesting.

I hope you found the review helpful. Disagree? Comment! We love your opinions! Until next time, Cyber Mammoth out.